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For those new to this, I used to do this thing where I liveblogged sports I had no idea of the rules of. This tradition has fallen by the wayside in recent times, but now my good friend Jackie reminds me of my duties, and WHAT THE HELL, I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING TOMORROW. Except, well, going to the gym bright and early for the first time (uuurrrrrgh). But then, the only other thing that was on was ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife’, and while I appreciate an Eric Bana as much as the next lady (Next Lady: A DAMN LOT), I’m up for switching over before it gets too depressing.

I'm late, so if you're wondering where I've come in, SOMEONE CALLED HYNOSKI JUST DID SOMETHING GOOD, good for him. Does anyone else find those adverts painted on the pitch so that they’re exactly the right perspective to be viewed from TV really weird? They mess with my eyes. It’s like, my eyes present the image to my brain, and my brain’s like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, THIS CAN’T BE RIGHT and my eyes are like BUT THAT’S WHAT IT WAAAAS and my brain’s like YOU ARE BOTH APPALLING, SORT YOUR SHIT OUT.

That guy just threw someone’s face! Well, he grabbed his helmet visor and flung him to the ground with it. Still, RUDE.

Ahmad Bradshaw gets his own muscle-flexing intro. “This is Ahmad Bradshaw. He’s played this many games, is this tall and this heavy, likes moonlit walks along the beach and considers himself ‘friskily available’.”

There’s a guy on the sidelines with a really REALLY big set of headphones and speaker. It’s like someone stapled hair straighteners in front of his face. I’d look pissed with that weighing my noggin down too.

John Kerry is coming in to sort EVERYTHING out! YOU GO, JOHN KERRY, YOU ARE ALREADY A BADASS IN MY HEAD. (Was his name even John Kerry? ACCURACY IS NOT AN IMPORTANT THING HERE.)

Wow, that tackle was a clusterfuck if I ever saw one. More flippings and rebounding and ass-skidding than... well, I don’t really know where that comparison was going, so I think I’m just going to leave it there.

Smutty Comment #1: He didn’t run into the hole he was designated to run into. When it has been specified like that, it is just RUDE to go for the wrong one.

Oooh, what a nifty little touchdown dance, you GO Cruz, you are FABULOUS. The British commentators are similarly impressed at the little dance. Our priorities are right.

So, commentary time, as I come to learn that the people playing this game are the GIANTS and the PATRIOTS. I am already better informed than I expected to be at this stage.

And we’re back and someone has a GREAT TACKLE, waheeeey. I should warn you that this is mostly all about the smutty innuendo for me. And observing that that one player has AWESOME dreadlocks. Someone called Branch! LOOK AT ME LEARNING NAMES.

And it’s only just gotten started but now the first quarter’s over and there’s a dude enjoying a lovely paper cupped beverage on the sidelines. Mmm. Looks good. In conclusion: Beverages.

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